It had been one of those lovely evenings just laid listening to the music beneath the concert, and Vincent had wrapped Catherine and himself snugly inside his voluminous cloak to keep them both warm, draping one arm protectively around the back of her neck, holding her close against him.
Catherine had looked forward to this moment all week. And what a tiring week it had been, with Stella from the other office, on compassionate leave, it meant that she’d had added responsibility until a suitable candidate had been given a temporary position to cover Stella’s absence.
Joe had been apologetic, and had tried his best to relieve some of the mounting files upon Catherine’s desk, but there never seemed to be an end to them, no matter how fast or how hard either of them had worked.
And so this evening spent with Vincent was truly bliss, and Catherine was loving every moment of it.
Her eyes gently closed, Catherine murmured sleepily as the final chords of harmony drifted down from Above, losing her in a most exquisite dream where the soft strains of music provided the perfect backdrop to her hearts desire. Those of never having to leave this wonderful man that she loved so much. A dream in which, she never had to go back to the office again, to plough through endless files, and deal with irate clients, who wanted everything done, ‘like yesterday’.
What a relief it had been when a few minutes before five on this Thursday afternoon, Joe had brought across Stella’s replacement for the next two months, and introduced him to her.
“Cathy, this is Daniel he’s going to take some of the strain off of you and I until Stella returns. He’s starting first thing tomorrow morning.”
Catherine had been absorbed in her writing, and lay aside her pen to welcome her new colleague, totally unprepared for the attraction that had flared between them. It had only been a fleeting desire, but one look at those gorgeous puppy dog eyes, and that infectious smile, had sent her pulses racing. It was one of those times that she cursed the connection she shared with Vincent, for however slight her feelings had been towards Daniel, it had occurred too fast for her to clamp down on the Bond, and she knew that Vincent would have known of it without a doubt. The feeling had disturbed her too, for not since Elliot had she found such magnetism with anyone other than Vincent, and if Vincent should ask about it, how could she explain it when it made no sense even to herself? The problem stayed on her mind all the way home from the office, even while she prepared to meet Vincent, and it had begun to spoil the evening she had so looked forward to all week. For Catherine was certain that the moment Vincent helped her down from the steps leading off from the basement, he would feel inclined to mention it.
So it had been a most pleasant surprise to find that when they did meet he had given nothing away to suggest that he had sensed anything at all, and Catherine found herself beginning to hope that for once, maybe, just maybe, he had been too busy at some other task to have noticed.
Huh, some hope!
For now as the music drew to its conclusion, Vincent shifted uneasily, in such a way that Catherine knew for a certainty that he had something on his mind, and she held her breath, ‘here it comes’ she thought.
“Tell me about your day?” Vincent asked matter of factly, too cool, too cautious.
Catherine wasn’t sure how to answer, and tugged nervously at the skin on her lower lip with her teeth.
They had been down this road before, and she really was tired of it. It was so difficult knowing how to handle it, for Vincent had such an inferiority complex about their relationship, and Catherine wondered if he would ever be any different, and she wondered how best to answer him.
Tilting his head to look at her, Vincent waited patiently, knowing how unsettled she felt, until eventually Catherine replied, “There wasn’t anything unusual today Vincent, just the file’s I have been ploughing through these last few days. The main case that I was working on last week, is just about wrapped up, and now that the new guy has arrived, he’ll take off my work load, so I’ll be able to get home earlier in the evenings.”
Vincent listened without comment and hesitated before asking softly, “What’s he like...this new guy?” he thought it was strange of Catherine to say that there was nothing unusual, not when she would be getting home earlier each evening, that in itself was cause for celebration. So what, if anything, was she hiding?
Catherine tensed, she hadn’t expected Vincent to pick up on that quite so quickly. She thought he would have asked her about her work, the case that was almost finalised, but no, this new guy was at the top of his list, because he knew that she had felt something for him.
“He’s nice actually”, Catherine replied still trying to sound normal, dismayed when her voice wavered, and she found herself having to lower her eyes from Vincent’s as a slight blush stained her cheeks.
Vincent shuffled uncomfortably, and gathered himself for standing. Above them all was quiet now, the concert had finished, and the audience had melted away into the darkness.
Holding out his hand, Vincent helped Catherine to her feet, and they began the long walk back towards the threshold. There was only one thing for it, she would have to tackle it head on.
Mustering all the courage she could find, Catherine spoke boldly, “You felt it didn’t you?”
Vincent stopped walking, and turned to look at her, “What?” he asked her innocently.
“Oh, Vincent, let’s stop playing games, I can’t bear the tension.” Catherine ran a hand over her weary brow, “ We’ve had a lovely evening and I know that before I go up those steps tonight, you are going to say something that will hang in the air until we meet again and spoil the time we’ve just shared. So we may as well tackle it now.” she told him exasperated, then taking another deep breath she told him, “ the new guy at work, Daniel, he’s nice, as I said.....” she stopped, what more could she say?
“And?” Vincent’s tone was low, anticipating...what?
“And what more can I say Vincent. For one moment, one fleeting moment I was attracted to him. And I don’t know why. It has nothing to do with the way I feel about you. I love you.” her voice rose an octave.
Vincent was looking at her steadily, “I do not know that this feeling lasted only a moment, you closed down on our connection. The feeling you had for this man may have lasted longer.”
“Vincent I would never lie to you!” Catherine was stunned that he could think it.
“Maybe not in so many words, yet your heart tells me otherwise.”
“I closed the Bond to spare your feelings.” she told him.
“Not soon enough then.” he continued to look at her steadily, and Catherine felt her temper rising, “I didn’t know it was going to happen!” her voice filled with despair, “Joe just introduced him, and there it was, what can I say, what do you want me to say, Vincent? I love you.”
“And I love you...but if our paths had not crossed...”
“Oh Vincent! Please don’t say that again. I have no regrets about loving you, none about having come to know you. You are all that I need Vincent, you are everything to me, you know that.”
“That’s as maybe...for now.”
“What do you mean.” Catherine felt a rush of sadness sweep over her. How could she ever make him believe she loved him more than life?
“You can’t deny that you will be seeing this man every day at work, something between the two of you will grow.” Vincent shook his head sadly.
“No Vincent”, Catherine shook her head, “I promise you it won’t.”
“I have no right to your promises Catherine. What you and I share is just a dream. It will lead us nowhere, and you have other needs that I...cannot...fulfil.” he hung his head then, shamefully, hiding his face within the curtain of his hair.
Catherine turned with him, bending slightly to see into his eyes as he tried desperately to hide his shame, “No Vincent I don’t believe that, and if it were true Vincent, then I accept this fate gladly.”
“But at what price Catherine? Before we met you had a life, you were destined for greater things, and maybe this new man would have been the one for you to share it with.”
They were walking slowly now, through the tunnels towards the threshold and their inevitable parting. Yet Catherine could not let them part until this problem had been resolved. Desperately she wanted to stall him, to hold back time until they had covered every aspect, and she had made him see what he meant to her.
Perhaps if she could delay their parting, she might be able to reassure him?
Taking a deep breath she asked, “Can we go to your chamber Vincent?”
For a few moments Vincent wondered why she had suggested such a thing. The threshold was close, while his chamber was a long walk in the opposite direction, and he knew she was already tired, “No its late, and you have work tomorrow.”
Something inside Catherine snapped, her eyes flashing she told him, “Why are you always so concerned about what’s best for me!” she didn’t mean to have sounded so ungrateful, after all, he’d only had her welfare at heart, “I’m sorry Vincent, I didn’t mean that the way it sounded.”
Vincent searched her eyes. He knew, despite everything she was telling him that she was perturbed about her attraction to the new man at work, and a great sadness engulfed him as he told her. “Perhaps now is the time to end our dream Catherine.” His voice was soft, and unable to meet her gaze he continued, “The time has come for you to move on and forget about me.”
Catherine felt a wave of nausea strike her as she told him unhappily, “I could never forget about you Vincent. You are too much a part of me!”
“But in time you will forget,” he told her, trying to keep his voice steady. While inside he was dying.
Catherine sighed deeply, “Vincent why do you do this? Why do you continue to cause this heartache, for me, for yourself, don’t you think if I didn’t want anymore to do with you I would say so?”
“No Catherine. I believe you like the fantasy of our relationship. But Catherine, what we have is a dream. You would be only too happy to follow that dream for all of your life and never complain, but Catherine I know you. You have a life to live, Above. There are children waiting to be born Above. A man to love you Above. I have no rights to keep these things from you.”
Throughout his answer Catherine was shaking her head, and now he had finished speaking, tears gathered in her eyes and fell as she told him, “I don’t want any of these things Vincent, not without you. Can’t you see that? I love you so much.”
“Out of the abundance of the heart so the mouth speaks Catherine. And even you cannot deny that you are attracted to this man.”
Catherine sighed deeply, telling him sadly, “Vincent we are going around in circles.”
“And this will always be the case Catherine until you admit that I am right.” Vincent told her, his blue eyes blazing with unshed tears.
“Yet even your own heart is breaking, Vincent.” she whispered.
“Yes.”
“Then how can you bear it. I don’t want to do as you ask Vincent, not even to show how wrong you are, but this is always going to come between us isn’t it?” defeated now, Catherine hadn’t the heart to pursue it any further, and sighed deeply.
Standing before her, Vincent raised her chin, forcing her to look into his eyes, as he told her seriously, “You have a life Catherine, you have to lead it. What we have here is make believe, and being here with me is preventing you from achieving all you have to achieve. You can do it Catherine, I know you and I will always be here for you, but only as a friend.”
“I can’t believe that”, Catherine shook her head, “You love me, the way that I love you.”
“No Catherine, it is different.” Vincent shook his head, “You have desires and needs from the world Above. I have no such desires.”
“Then that, Vincent is the first lie you have ever spoken to me.” Catherine held on to his steady gaze. Vincent was rocked to the core, yet he stood his ground, for it appeared to him that they were going forward at last, were actually getting somewhere. Before when they had spoken of this, Catherine had put up such barriers, but this time she seemed to be weakening. Yes, he would miss her, true, but she had a future that didn’t include him.
Could never include him.
And he had to make her see that.
Catherine was watching him closely as he fought for control, fought against denying the lie and could not.
Reaching out, Catherine placed the palms of her hands upon Vincent’s chest, feeling him shudder, knowing how the contact enflamed him and Catherine felt jubilant.
“No!” the roar had escaped before Vincent could stop it, echoing along the tunnels, leaving Vincent ashamed as the echoes grew fainter and fainter, yet he could only stand and stare down at her. Catherine knew what her touch did to him, yet she refused to take her hands away.
For long moments they faced one another, both breathing heavily.
Vincent’s mind was in a whirl, he had come so close, had almost succeeded in showing her where her true destiny lay, but oh! the touch of her hands upon him was sheer bliss and torture, and he didn’t know how to continue.
“Please Vincent” Catherine begged now, “Don’t deny your own feelings. You have as much of a right to a future as anyone else, and Vincent, it can be with me, I promise you.”
Summoning all the strength he could muster, Vincent flung her hands away from him, “No!” He told her again, “It can never be! Catherine our dream must end. It has to do, for your own sake, and one day Catherine you will realise this when the pain and the heartache have subsided. Then you will thank me for finding the strength to make you leave me like this. Go live your life Catherine the way it was meant to be lived!”
Turning on his heal Vincent strode away in the opposite direction to the threshold, he could no longer see her home, one more look in those compelling green eyes and he would be lost, but Catherine had other ideas.
Running after him she caught him up, reached out and grabbed his sleeve, halting his headlong flight.
If they were going to do this thing then it had to be on her terms, yet when she saw the pain in his eyes she almost changed her mind. She knew he loved her, why did he have to do this to them?
Vincent deserved more of a life than anyone else, he was everything good that there was in a person, and he loved and desired her however much he convinced himself otherwise.
As Catherine attempted to turn him around, Vincent roared, “No!” Trying to shake her off, but Catherine stood her ground, holding on to him tighter, as a strange calm settled upon her. She knew that this problem had to be resolved, or it would always stand between them, and Vincent had to be shown that his beliefs were entirely groundless.
Expecting that Catherine was intent on changing his mind, Vincent was stunned when she told him, “All right Vincent, you win. I’ll try it your way. I’ll go out of your life and I’ll seek that for which you say is awaiting me. My only hope is that you don’t live to regret losing your own chance of happiness.”
Vincent stared down at her, unable to believe that she had at last accepted what he had tried to tell her for three years.
And that was what he had wanted wasn’t it?
So why did he feel that some tragedy had just befallen him?
For long moments, Vincent stared down at her. At the rise and fall of her breast, her laboured breathing. And he felt an overwhelming need to comfort her, but knew he could not. Not now, not when she had at last seen things his way.
“We can still be friends Catherine.” he told her softly, “I will always be here for you as a friend.”
Catherine shook her head, the tears beginning to fall, “No Vincent, the break must be clean. Final. And you must suppress the desire to come to me whenever you feel I am in danger. I’ll take my chances with the rest, and besides, Isaac’s training will come into its own now. I’ll get to see what I am capable of.”
Vincent was shaking his head, “No Catherine, whenever I feel your fear I will come to you.” Fresh tears began to gather in his blue eyes. But Catherine was adamant, “No Vincent, no. If this is going to work you will have to keep away, and you will have to close down on the Bond, for your own sanity as much as for anything else, or sense of me will tear you apart, and I love you Vincent. I couldn’t bear to be a party to that.”
“As I could not bear to be a party to have the power to rescue you and not do so.” he whispered low, his eyes searching hers.
“Then I will alter my work load, only take cases that don’t bring me into known danger. Joe and Daniel can go out in the field.”
Vincent winced, the mention of the other man’s name, unbearable to him.
Would his Catherine be seeing this man?
The thought uppermost in his mind cried out to be spoken, “Will you see him?” he whispered low.
“Who?” Catherine drew her brows together, in confusion.
Vincent could not even utter his name, “This new man?”
Catherine knew what he meant, but refused to let him know that. He’d brought this on himself, he could jolly well explain what he meant. She told him, “I don’t understand Vincent. We’ll be working together. I’ll see him everyday.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“Then what did you mean?”
“Are you so intent on raking me over the coals Catherine.”
“You started it Vincent”, her voice low, her eyes flashing, Vincent was left in little doubt of her annoyance.
He shuffled uneasily, his arms ached to hold her, smooth away the pain, tell her it already hurt too much to continue with.
How could he ever let her go, and to another man, no less?
Catherine’s own heart ached. She wanted so much to ease his heartache, but Vincent had to realise just what it was he was pushing her into.
After this night they may never see one another again if she were to seek the life for which he believed she had been born for.
And it was not something she could foresee ever finding. Because she had already found her destiny.
Yet Vincent believed it was still out there awaiting her, and she would be living it now, if their paths had not crossed.
Vincent was shaking his head, his heart weighed heavy, he could not believe that she had at last agreed to do as he’d asked, and he looked into her eyes filled with defiance. So that was it! She was playing him at his own game.
But it wasn’t a game.
It was very real.
And he had to make her see that.
Taking a deep breath he asked her, “Will you spend time with this new man, see him after work?”
For long moments Catherine did not know how to answer. It wasn’t something she had ever considered.
Truly, there were no answers, and she wanted to scream, “Of course not...I love you...why would I want to see someone else?” But Vincent didn’t want to hear her say those things. He wanted to know that he had at last convinced her that her future lay Above with some other man, and not Below with him.
For a few moments Catherine allowed herself to think about Daniel. He was nice, and then there was the attraction. Those compelling brown eyes, that delightful smile. And she could not help her own mouth form into a smile at the thought of him. How he had made her laugh that day. A man very much like Joe in every way, but with the added power of magnetism. Catherine had never felt drawn to Joe as she had felt drawn to Daniel.
With a jolt it dawned on her....what if Vincent was right?
If Vincent never altered his mind about their relationship, if there really were nothing but dreams for the two of them, then perhaps her future did lie Above after all.
Vincent watched as the many expressions chased themselves across her face. He dared not search through their connection, afraid of what he might find, but as her silence persisted, he was unable to prevent himself, and was dismayed to find that she had closed down on their Bond, so that he could find no sense of her emotions.
Why had she done that?
Only moments before, she was giving him an insight into all that she felt.
And that’s what had made the pain doubly unbearable.
Vincent waited for her answer, the silence standing between them, heavy and strained, and only the gentle tapping on the pipes comforted him. It was a reliable sound, solid and safe, and Vincent wished he could be borne along on a message, never to have to be a part of the words that Catherine was summoning herself to utter, as finally she spoke.
Just one word.
One word that destroyed him.
“Maybe” she whispered.
Vincent’s eyes flew wide open with shock, his heart hammered painfully.
Yet what had he expected?
He had forced this upon her, so he only had himself to blame. Yet somehow, when he had been convinced that Catherine should pursue the life she were born for, and that he should make her see this, her acceptance in his dreams, had never been as painful as it was in reality. The thoughts ran riot through his mind, had he been wrong? Could he so easily give her up as he had thought? While he was thinking these things, Catherine was speaking again, and her words delivered the final blow, “If he asks me, then yes, maybe, I’ll date him.” And Vincent felt his whole world shatter. There were so many questions coming in on him, and he could not utter them. His head was reeling.
Catherine searched his eyes, and an overwhelming desire to hold him close rushed fiercely over her, and she felt compelled to re-opened the Bond. Their connection was such a sure and steady thing. It told Vincent all her heart felt when words otherwise failed.
Stunned, Vincent re-coiled beneath the weight of her emotions, and he didn’t know whether to rejoice or weep!
He loved her, and she loved him, of that there was no doubt. But she had a life, and it didn’t include him.
And if love was pure it sought not one’s own interests, but that of another.
Vincent groaned, he had no choice, he had to let her go.
Back to her world, Above.
Without him. A low moan that travelled up and through him escaped Vincent, “I don’t want you to go Catherine....” he fell to his knees, beneath a weight too colossal to endure.
Catherine was overjoyed, dropping to the floor also, reaching out to take him in her arms, telling him, “Then I won’t Vincent...I love you so much.” the words were choked from her, sobs caught in her throat, tears of joy and happiness.
“No,” Vincent flung her arms away from around him, whispering brokenly, “You don’t understand. What I want or don’t want is unimportant. I have no rights Catherine, and I shall miss you, but you have to leave me....” He rose to his feet, summoning all his strength, “Its for the best”, the last words died on his lips.
Resigning herself now to thein evitable Catherine told him, “I’ll miss you Vincent.” but unable to stop the tears from falling swiftly down her cheeks. Catherine stood up and moved away from him.
What more was there to say?
The only thing she could do was to try things his way after all.
Suddenly a cold hard reason embedded itself within her heart.
Perhaps he was right.
Perhaps it was just a dream, and she was destined for better things after all.
She’d had enough.
Enough of the rejections, the self-denials, the waiting, the yearning, the hoping. Catherine had come as far as she could, begged as hard as she could, and still he had turned her away. But she couldn’t just never see him again. Of that she was certain.
Maybe when it no longer hurt?
Swallowing with difficulty, Catherine turned back to face him. He was leaning against the wall watching her warily.
Managing a weak smile Catherine told him softly, “You taught me a lot of things Vincent. Made me believe in myself, and that was a treasure beyond price. You gave me courage when I had none. Now you must believe in all those same things. And when...when you are strong enough to cope, when the pain of our parting no longer tears you to shreds, then come to me Vincent, for I couldn’t bear to live a life without you in it. I need you.” the words caught in her throat, and Catherine turned, her footsteps quickening as she hurried away from him, unable to look back, unable to see him one last time.
Breaking into a run Catherine rounded a corner out of Vincent’s sight, before stopping to lean against a wall, calming her racing heart, when suddenly it almost leapt out of her breast as the sound of Vincent’s anguished roar filled the tunnels, and sobbing, Catherine started to run again, faster and faster towards the threshold, blinded by her tears.